Sleep Training — Part 3

Posted on October 21, 2007 by Monki

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO HARD?!!!! She screams and cries and pleas, for that broken bond between us. I wonder if sleep training does any psychological damage to a child…

MK and I decided that it’s time to “sleep train” Sugarplum. Number one, she needs that skill in daycare. They don’t have all the time in the world to rock her to sleep the way she’s used to at home. Number two, she is over six-month-old now. Number three, Dr. W, once again, during Plum’s sixth month checkup told me that I’d better get on with this; like I was delaying my daughter’s development.  She asked me how Sugarplum was sleeping. “Well, she has good days and she has bad days,” I muttered. “Oh?” she was all ears, “how often does she wake up?” Dr. W wanted a definite number. “Well, sometimes once, or twice. But I could usually nurse her back to sleep in less than half an hour!” I defended ourselves. “THAT’S TERRIBLE!” Dr. W exclaimed. But who cares what Dr. W thinks. Most of all, it is because her daycare is “helping her to be more independent by allowing her to fall asleep by herself”, that we decided to revisit the sleep training issue this weekend.

We started with our bedtime routine: a nice soothing bath, a brief nursing session followed by gum cleaning and “Goodnight Moon”.  Lights out, then her piercing cry.  It took her almost an hour on Friday night to finally fall asleep. During that excruciating hour, she crawled and flipped herself back from front to back, which MK described as her “fight or flight response”, as if she wanted to crawl herself out of perceived danger. He was the one checking up on her regularly, as Sugarplum got even more upset that I didn’t pick her up. Saturday night took a little over 30 minutes.

Because I was not nursing her in the hour between six and eight, I spent the time making dinner, something I haven’t done much since the birth of our daughter. I really did miss making supper, and so I lived my culinary fantasy vicariously through Emeril, Rachael Ray, Barefoot Contessa, and the Iron Chef.  Friday night I made shrimp with string beans with brown rice, and miso soup with tofu and corn. Saturday night I made angel hair pasta with clam and basil and a pot of chicken vegetable soup made from scratch with free range organic chicken.  Tonight I made angel hair pasta with shrimp and basil.

Tonight I also made the mistake of thinking that I could take it.  I went into the bedroom while Sugarplum was crying. I brought her some water, as I suspected she must be thirsty from all that crying.  She drank from the bottle desperately, then looked me straight in the eye and started crying.  She sounded so heart-broken, because she didn’t understand why I abandoned her all of a sudden. I tried to remain calm and cheerful, all the while stroking her hair, her arms, her chest softly.  MK took me out of the room. As I sat down at dinner, I completely lost my appetite and cried with her.  Now MK’s got two crying girls at his hands, no fun job for him I’m sure. I made the observation that animal mothers all have their youngs sleep with them and how come humans are the ones being so inhuman! MK replied, animals don’t have another room.  I suppose he is right, along with the rest of the human world.

I really wish this process could be easier.

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Sleep Crying

Posted on September 6, 2007 by Monki

Well, sleep training worked for only one day so far.

Sugarplum did not like the idea of sleep training at all.  Not one bit. Yesterday was a disaster. I was too soft sometimes.  Monkey King didn’t want me to pick her up when she was crying. He wanted me to wait for another 5 minutes. “You are supposed to increase the interval between checking up on her until she eventually stops.” Ha! She did not stop. Quite on the contrary, her whining escalated into crying which in turn, escalated into this heart-broken scream. I looked her in the now tearful eyes, puffy from all that crying, and scooped her up into me. Monkey King’s warning of being firm? Totally flew out the window. I was going crazy and couldn’t stand it when she cried. That made me want to cry too!

She cried and whimpered in my ear, telling me not to ignore her again. Even though she couldn’t say a word, I understood her loud and clear. She settled into my neck, then after a couple of minutes, she cried some more again. Each time sounding softer and softer until she finally grew sleepy. When I put her down, she immediately scooped her arms and legs up. They remained in that position in the air, holding on to me even in her sleep.

I had a talk with Monkey King.  I cannot ignore her tearful pleas.  “She is only 5 months old, and we are not running a boot camp here!” I said.  I will know when she is ready; she will somehow let us know.  Until then, I am going to enjoy her looking up at me with her sleepy chocolate brown eyes, her falling asleep against my chest, her sinking into my arms as I rock her back and forth, and her little warm milk breath on my neck: all the things that Dr. Ferber will surely disapprove.

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Sleep Training

Posted on September 5, 2007 by Monki

MK joked that sleep training is what babies do to us, and not the other way around. Funny and all so wise.

We’ve been talking about letting Plum try to go to sleep on her own since her 4-month pediatrician visit.  Basically, the conversation went like this: Dr W: “How is she going to sleep?” I uttered, “Well, I nurse her to sleep”, knowing that Dr. W would probably not approve.  My suspicion was correct.  “You’ve got to stop that!  Do a little sleep routine; let her know that she is going to sleep and close the door.”  CLOSE THE DOOR?! Easy for her to say, she is not in our apartment with a crying infant!  I can’t close the door! We have not closed our bedroom door since the day we brought her home.

Plum and I have a set evening routine for the past two months: we take a walk outside of our apartment complex, and sit outside under her favorite tree to let her enjoy the view, the air, and the people walking by; return home; bathe her and let her splash and kick around in her big Eurobath; followed by a soothing nursing session until she falls asleep.  At that crucial golden moment, I would gingerly cradle her up from My BrestFriend pillow, walk gently to her crib and slowly put her down in an almost imperceptible interval and pace so that our Plumster would remain ASLEEP.  This went on happily for all of us until our pediatrician pointed out how inadequate and underdeveloped our routine had been.

Time to visit the sleeping issue, we were urged.  Armed with several books and methods, we came up with a plan. We would bathe, nurse, and when she is still awake, bring her to her bed, then clean her gums, kiss her forehead and walk out of the room.

The first night was tough. She cried and cried and was very resistant to the idea. We eventually had to hold her and rock her for a few hours before putting her down for good. We regrouped and decided she was not awake enough to be put down this way.  Basically she needed to know that she was going to sleep on her own while she was awake, instead of nursing her to half asleep.  Because if she was half asleep while nursing, she expected to be nursed all the way.

Tonight while MK and Dad went out to pick up dinner, I decided to give sleep training another try.  I thought she was ready for several reasons: 1) she can easily communicate to me her wants and likes.  Example, she wants to take her bath earlier when we are still outside, whining a bunch on the blanket until I put her back into her Baby Bjorn and when MK is putting the blanket away, she kicks and laughs to display her delight of the prospect of going home. When we come home, she whines again until we get her bath ready and I am undressing her onsie; 2) she remembers routine and came to expect the order of things.  Example, she knows that bath follows walk; 3) she understands and trusts us. Example, when she is hungry and is about to cry, Dad would carry her to the kitchen and show her that he was warming up her pumped milk.  Her crying would halt immediately as she watches him prepare food.  She smiles when I call her name and puts her to my chest.  She would look at it appreciatively for a moment before plunging in for a big meal.  Based on these reasons, I am reassured that my being firm with her tonight may not traumatize her and make her trust us less. In fact, I believe that children look to us for guidance and boundary.  As parents, we are responsible for helping our children grow up to be competent, happy, responsible, self-sufficient, and confident humans.

Tonight when it is time for bed, I bring her to her crib, put her down and tell her, “I’m going to get the gauze to clean your gum.” She smiles and waits for me.  She likes to have her gum rubbed since she was a tiny little infant.  When I come back, I realize that the blind was not closed all the way, and she is enjoying the moonlight.  At that point, I remember the books saying that it’s better to have some light.  I rub her gum, twice, since she likes that so much.  Then I sing a little song, kiss her forehead, and walk out of the room quietly.  She talks a bunch, presumably to the lion drawing I made for her when I was pregnant with her.  MK and Dad came home, and were surprised that I was neither nursing nor pacing/rocking with Plumster in my arms.  Everyone was shocked but remained calm.  Soon enough, her babbling turned to whining. I walked into the room, brushed her head and talked to her briefly.  Kissed her forehead again and walked out again. This time, her whining soon escalated into crying.  We let her.  For about three minutes. Then I walked into the room, she looked at me with her tearful eyes. I tried to remain calm and told her, “Silly Plum, why are you crying? You know we are all here; we all love you so much. We are here to help you no matter what.  And right now, we are helping you to go to sleep on your own.  That’s an important step for you.”  She looked at me, not buying the idea, and started to cough.   This 5 month-old Plumster knew I would pick her up if she coughed.  I picked her up, kissed her, and gently rocked her back and forth, all the while telling her how much we love her. I felt her head getting heavier and heavier on my shoulder. Her warm milk breath resting on my neck.  She sighed a happy relief as I held her close and tight.

I paced for another moment, then put her down to her bed and kissed her good night.  This time I walked out of the room knowing that Sugarplum is growing up fast and I will be ready for every step.

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Weekend Getaway Gone Awry

Posted on September 4, 2007 by Monki

downtown

After the birth of our beautiful Sugarplum, life became a potpourri of sleep-deprivation, body-aches, and pure bliss.  The books say that baby’s cortices are not mature enough, so they have no control over their emotions.  Translation, they can switch from the world’s most darling smiley angels to the most heart-broken drama diva in a tenth of a millisecond.  As a result, Monkey King and I got on this roller coaster ride of our infant daughter, with me often wondering if we have passed the parental height requirement in the first place.  We work as a team in combat: he covers me when I go in for a long marathon nursing session, getting me drinks and food, sometimes taking over the holding while I take a much-needed bathroom break; I cover him while he changes diapers, distracting her with her yellow cat toy armed, literally, with bells and whistles.  We talk in whispers, tiptoe while getting into bed, and often eat dinner in silence for fear that any noise might break the golden rule of never wake a sleeping baby.  Although my sense is heightened, it proves to be very subject-specific.  The other night I slept soundly with the fire alarm blasting in the building next door, only to awake at the drop of a hat when our Sugarplum stretched her arms in her sleep.

With me returning to work after two months of unpaid maternity leave, help came in the form of “Agong”, which is Granddad in Taiwanese.  Agong is here for three months to care for Plum during the day while her parents work.  Agong displays his rarely seen gentleness and goofiness.  Our Plumster and her Agong soon become inseparable like milk and coffee.  Seeing as they get along so swimmingly, Monkey King and I decide to take a much needed weekend getaway.  Since we have not been able to get out much lately, instead of going out-of-town, we figure we’d just stay a few neighborhoods over and have a night in downtown area.  In a very atypical fashion, MK convinces me that hotel reservations are not necessary, since there are plenty of hotels in the downtown area.  “Yeah, let’s wing it!”  We congratulate ourselves at our care-free spontaneity.  What we have in mind is to start the evening with a nice dinner with wine, rock in some music, dancing, cocktails, and finish the night off with two Motrins and uninterrupted sleep.

Sometimes what you plan is not always what you get.

After I bathe Sugarplum and nurse her, we quickly pack our overnight bag complete with my trusted Medela Pump and off we go into the setting sun…. and into the Friday evening Six Thirty traffic.

What would normally take about twenty minutes now stretched to two hours.  “Oh, I can’t wait to check in to the hotel and take a nap before dinner!”  Monkey King declared..  “Me too! Let’s take a nap!”  As any sleep-deprived new parent knows, naps are like oasis in the desert… though often it may seem more like mirage.  Only by the time we got to the hotel, waited in line to check-in, we were told that the entire 186-room hotel was SOLD OUT.  Okay, no problem, there’s another, bigger hotel right across the street that we just passed, let’s try that one.  Monkey King negotiated around the snail pace downtown traffic, with horns honking and cars double-parked everywhere.  He finally dropped me off at the loading zone to “go around the block” since there was no stopping sign, which by the way, did not seem to stop other cars from stopping.  “Sorry we are all booked.” ALL BOOKED?! Are you kidding me?  They boast 386 rooms and every room was booked?  “Perhaps our concierge can help you?”  I staggered over so that I can wait in yet another line to talk to the concierge. When it was my turn, I explained to the concierge that we just had a baby and we finally had this night off and we really needed to have some sleep.  I don’t remember what else I might have said because I was getting really desperate. The lady turned out to be nice, she did not point out the obvious flaw of my logic which was how come we did not make a hotel reservation before our precious night off.  She wrote down a list of numbers of the hotels nearby. I took the list with me, called MK to pick me up at the drop-off zone, and worked my way down the list with MK driving his stick shift Element in the parking lot formerly known as downtown traffic.

“We have a room!” I exclaimed.  It was only after I got off the phone that I realized we didn’t have a name of the hotel, as the concierge didn’t write down the names.  I dialed the most recent call number to ask them what the name of the hotel was and the directions. We made it to our room at 8:30pm.  MK and I plunged into our “short nap”, only to wake up close to midnight.  New parents…

Luckily we knew a place that open late close by from our child-free days and had an early morning dinner.  It was close to 2:30am by the time we filled our tummies.  We made it to our second round of uninterrupted sleep at 3am.

Later in the morning, I awoke at 6am to face the couch next to my bed instead of Plum.  Instead of her brilliant smile and giddy snuggle hugs, I held the suction cups attached to my Medela and pumped instead.  After brunch, we managed to do one fun thing and saw Bourne Ultimatum.  After the movie, we were only too happy to go home.

Agong and Sugarplum looked a lot more rested than we did.

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Taiwanese Sitting Month

Posted on May 13, 2007 by Monki

After the birth of Sugarplum, I entered the Taiwanese Sitting Month.  It is the post-partum month where new Mothers have a whole new set of menu and physical restrictions to aid in their recovery.

I was fortunate enough to have Mom who volunteered to help us out during my Sitting Month.  Mom cooked me five small meals a day, helped clean our increasingly neglected apartment, took care of our newborn Plumster whenever we needed a nap, a walk, or a private dinner with just MK and me.  I never quite expressed my gratitude properly for all the help and love and wisdom she shared with us.

If you have a Taiwanese mother, mother-in-law, or a really really nice Taiwanese neighbor, I highly recommend this “Sitting Month”, where you are pampered in style fit for a queen.

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About Me

Posted on May 10, 2007 by Monki

Here’s a little bio about myself: I was born and raised in Taipei, Taiwan.  My family and I moved to New York City in my teens, just early enough to catch the rebellious genius of American teenage experience in the late eighties/early nineties.  Monkey King and I met at a friend’s wedding.  We fell in love through our mutual love of martial arts, architecture, and music.  He showed me how to snowboard, and I knew he was the one for me.  We ground through my residency training in the field of medicine while setting up our little family.  We have a daughter named Plum.  This is a life blog about the joy, the worries, and the silliness of being a mother, a wife, and a physician scientist.

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